You Should Have Known
Quizzes that purport to help you better understand yourself and your life
by satisfyingly oversimplifying everything,
by Dr. Wiley Kesswork, Ed.D.,
A. Chairman, B. President, C. Director of Research, D. Editor-In-Chief,
Multiple Choice Institute of North America
Is Your Child Being Mistreated at Day Camp?
Terrance and Scheherazade come bounding home at the end of each day of camp, and seem absolutely happy to be going.
But there can be hidden signs indicating that all is not necessarily as it should be.
Here’s a quick quiz you can take to find out if the little ones are getting all they can out of camp or whether camp is getting something it shouldn’t out of them. Record your answers, then check the score and analysis at the end.
1. When your daughter/son gets ready for camp in the morning, usually the child:
A. Talks cheerfully about the day ahead.
B. Seems preoccupied with carbo-loading.
C. Seems to always have a hand between her/his legs while eating breakfast.
D. Sneaks off to read articles about kinky sex techniques in your latest issue of Redbook.
2. When you ask your daughter/son “What happened at camp today?” a typical response is:
A. A recitation of her/his performance in sports, and funny anecdotes about friends and counselors.
B. “The conveyer belt broke again so we had to carry all of the cement mix bags on our backs.”
C. Frustration that she/he couldn’t get the head lifeguard/camp nurse to notice her/him more.
D. A defensively huffy pose followed by, “Do I ask you about the most intimate details of your personal life?”
3. If you call the camp director to see how your child is doing, the response is similar to:
A. “She/he is a great kid and seems to be loving every minute here.”
B. “She/he could be carrying her/his load a little better, but the enthusiasm level is good.”
C. “She/he seems a bit distracted at times, but otherwise is doing fine.”
D. “Funny you should ask. I don’t remember seeing her/him around that much.”
4. When you ask your child to name her/his favorite activity at camp, the answer is:
A. “Everything! They make it all so much fun!”
B. “Cracking open the seal on our water rations, but iced coffee breaks are good, too.”
C. “Watching the head lifeguard’s/nurse’s every move. He/she is so dreamy.”
D. “Sometimes I like foreplay best, but it depends on how much time we have.”
5. If you ask your child how she/he is getting along with her/his counselor, the answer is:
A. “Great! We have fun together all day long!”
B. “He is an understanding leader who helps me to push myself to greater accomplishment.”
C. “I have a counselor?”
D. “She’s/he’s always so busy stuffing her/his face, she/he doesn’t notice if I slip away…which is perfect.”
6. When you ask your child to name her/his least favorite activity at camp, the answer is:
A. “Having to pack up for the bus at the end of the day.”
B. “Having to face my counselor if I haven’t made quota.”
C. “Anything that keeps me from looking at the head lifeguard/nurse.”
D. “Having to skip afterglow and put my clothes back on without showering first.”
7. When your daughter/son comes home at the end of the day, usually she/he:
A. Is full of pep and energy.
B. Pokes around the refrigerator for a beer and then nods off until dinner.
C. Has a dreamy look in her/his eyes and keeps repeating the name of the head lifeguard/camp nurse.
D. Has a used condom falling out of her shorts/his fly.
8. When you ask your child if she/he wants to go back to this camp next year, the response is:
A. “Absolutely! I can’t imagine having any more fun than this!”
B. “As long as they don’t turn up the voltage on the cattle prods, I can deal with it.”
C. “Only if they have the same head lifeguard/nurse as this year…or hotter!”
D. “Sure, assuming I’m not in a committed relationship with someone else by then.”
Score: 1 point for every A answer, 2 for B, 3 for C, 4 for D
Analysis:
8-10 points: Your child is in the right camp and having a great time. The only thing left for you to do is teach the happy little moppet how to make a proper straight-up martini for you at the end of the day.
11-20 points: Either your child’s counselor is an ex-Marine drill sergeant or there’s some kind of forced labor going on. Check the local Wal-Mart to see if any of the merchandise is labeled “Made in [Name of Your Child’s Camp].” And unless you want to end up spending 2-5 in the slammer for child labor conspiracy, call the state attorney general’s office and let them know something’s up. Alternatively, set up an appointment with the camp director and demand a fair cut of the profits plus a little something extra for keeping your mouth shut. Then make sure you get one of the kids to start your car every morning before they get on the bus.
21-26 points: Your child is going through some pretty serious infatuation. This is beyond “hello puberty.” Check with a child psychology professional, or you should at least help the child to refocus his/her attention on something healthier at this point in life than obsessing on unattainable sexual fantasy icons in an environment that can only lead to frustration. For example, you could introduce them to internet pornography and then noticeably close the door on your way out while saying, “I’ll leave you alone now.”
27-32 points: The fact that the condoms didn’t ring a bell in the first place means you are so self-involved you wouldn’t notice if your child was running a cat house in the laundry room. In any case, condom or no, get your child checked for venereal disease and insist on a full course of tetracycline no matter what the test results show. Then hire an attorney who is both a shark and discreet, and you should be able to reach a settlement with the camp’s owners that will let you enroll the kids in French Language Camp in Lyon next summer while you’re cruising the Greek Isles, instead of sending them to some stinking day camp and hoping no one gets pregnant. At least in France, sex between adults and minors is so common no one ends up suffering lifelong psychosis from the experience. Just bragging rights.